Vocation

I'm getting ready to fill out a job application. The feelings I'm experiencing are quite mixed right now.

First, excitement. I'm very excited at the idea of working in my old career field. I have missed it.

Second, fear. What if I don't get the job? My chances are pretty good seeing as I have three years experience, but that little "what if" rules supreme.

Third, failure. Is that an emotion? Well, regardless, that's what I feel. My earnings as a freelance writer have been minuscule. I didn't even make enough last year to claim it on my taxes. This year I've made quite a bit more, but it's nothing to write home about. It's not even enough to take care of one monthly bill.

I feel as if I've wasted two years. I had grand dreams going into this career. I'm going to be successful. I'm going to be published all over the place. I'm going to make us rich. Pipe dreams?

Sure, I've written. Daily. Article after article about stupid things that I have no interest in. Maybe that's the problem. You can only write so many articles about stupid things you have no interest in before you grow weary of the profession.

I have a couple of accomplishments under my belt. I've written at least 15 articles for newspapers, one article for a magazine, one article for a religious pamphlet (my highest earning piece yet, remarkably), and one short creative nonfiction story for a book. Oh, and I can't forget the hundreds of articles I've written for Internet publications. All in the past two years.

Well, if I put it that way, it doesn't seem like I'm such a failure after all. I've been doing what I love, getting paid for it, and seeing my name in print on a regular basis. That's what I wanted. Without the fame and fortune. But what kind of freelance writer becomes famous and rich, anyway?

The truth is that I'm getting lonely. Incredibly, depressingly lonely. And most days I lack the motivation to do anything at all. It's just an excuse, I keep telling myself. But it's an excuse I've been falling back on for the past two years. It's time to do something about it instead of sitting around whining and moping because I don't have enough friends to fill my calendar with social events and I only have my two cats to interact with from 7 to 4 every day.

I love writing. I will never give it up. I couldn't even if I tried. But I think it's time for something different. Then, when I have a job I think I will have more to write about. I'll have daily interactions to write about. I'll have characters. I'll have dialog. I'll have interesting tidbits and hilarious anecdotes. You can only write so many "today my cat did the funniest thing" type of anecdotal stories before you start to bore yourself.

But maybe if I'm earning an income from outside the home I will be able to focus on the writing I enjoy doing - the stories, the novels, the scripts, the memoirs - instead of the non-interesting nonfiction articles I write for money.

I am applying for a part-time position at the library. I don't care what it is. I will work circulation, children's, or even as a page. Just anything to get me out of the house and around people. I thought about volunteering, but since I'm not doing much to help out financially I figured I may as well just work. Part-time will give me plenty of freedom to write and garden and do all those other fun things I love to do.

I love libraries. The library is a place that makes me happy right when I walk through the door. I'm sure there will be stress and I'll have bad days, but I really hope I get the job.